One thing you will learn from your study into the subject of homosexuality is that there are numerous opinions on its cause, as well as whether there is any real, permanent "cure." I have found this subject to be extremely political. Be warned that you cannot always believe what you read, even by experts on human behavior. It is crucial that you investigate the author of any research you study. Who is the source of the information, and what is the background, sexual orientation, and political agenda of the reporter?

Politics of the gay lobby

The gay lobby in this country is alive and well. This group believes homosexual behavior is not a sin. They aggressively pursue their agenda to favorably advance gay issues. Members of this group can find research -- sometimes conducted by active gays -- that yields the results they like. Consider this example. The Kinsey study into human sexuality in the 1950's, as well as other studies, show gays comprise about 10% of the population. This is important to the gay lobby for political reasons because it makes homosexuals a significant minority group. You may have noticed gay activists still sometimes claim homosexuals comprise around 10% of all Americans.

Politics of the Christian Right

Another lobby, the Christian Right, is also alive and well. They believe homosexual behavior is a sin. They actively pursue their agenda to advance their causes, one of which involves gay issues. This group also can find research to quote that yields results they like. Back to our example. The Christian Right can find studies that show gays only comprise 1-2% of the population. Politically, this is very important to them. They love to emphasize how tiny and insignificant a group gays really are.

This example of the proportion of gays in America illustrates how the topic of homosexuality is influenced by groups with a political agenda. I share this as a caution. Consider the source of information you encounter. I invite you to adopt my attitude on the real proportion of gays in our population: I don't care. It makes no difference whatsoever if gays comprise 1% or 10% of all Americans. I only want to know the truth. I suspect the real figure is around 3% to 5%, but because of problems with the way this data has been gathered, I may be wrong. At this point, I don't believe we can say for certain.

My Current View

I would like to share with you my current view of homosexuality. This is based upon my life experience, education (B. S. in Psychology), hundreds of conversations with gays, and 19 years of gay sexual activity. It is also based upon my exposure to active gays who are Christian, Exodus (Christian men seeking healing from homosexual feelings), and my most recent study on the subject. Please keep in mind that at different times in my life I have been in a monogamous gay relationship, sexually promiscuous and finally celibate. I have tried everything to make my life work. During these phases of my life I was exposed to the ideas of homosexuals from many groups with widely varying perceptions and experience.

The gay lobby prefers to believe a homosexual orientation is inborn and fixed, that we are "born gay." They love to say "God made us gay." Others believe homosexuality is inborn, resulting from the sin condition like multiple sclerosis. People don't have this disease because God made them that way. Rather, it exists because of the presence of sin on Earth. This second theory was my view until recently. In June, 1998 I attended an Exodus seminar and was exposed to well-presented theories focusing on environmental causes of homosexuality.

Innate or Environmental?

My thoughts on the cause of a homosexual orientation are evolving. While they are still in flux, I have come to some conclusions. I expect my thoughts to continue to change, because I have no political agenda and try to keep an open mind. I believe homosexuality is caused by a complex interaction of inborn and environmental factors which vary from individual to individual. For some, inborn factors may be more significant than environmental ones. For others, environmental factors may be more significant. Politically, this is a crucial issue. The gay lobby strongly endorses innate factors as the cause of a homosexual orientation. Polls have shown most Americans feel more favorable toward gays when they perceive they are "born gay." Further, the gay lobby prefers inborn causes of homosexuality because they argue no one should attempt to change an innate trait. Many gay activists argue an inborn trait is immutable and it would therefore be wrong to try to change it! You will find over and over the gay lobby and sexually active gays will generally support this view.

The Christian Right, ex-gay change ministries such as Exodus, and others with a similar political philosophy, tend to emphasize environmental factors as the cause of a homosexual orientation. One popular view is that boys who have distant, absent, controlling fathers will fail to bond and identify with men and will thereby develop a gay orientation. Because of the unfulfilled need to bond with a member of the same sex, they reject their fathers. A great need is left unsatisfied. When adolescence arrives, they reach out to members of their own sex to satisfy their craving for love and affection from a man. Their feelings become abnormally directed toward boys. The political significance of this model and others like it is that gays can be changed. If you can identify the root environmental/relational causes, you can work through them like any other condition treatable with therapy. So, groups accepting this view believe it is not only possible but morally correct to attempt to change a gay orientation. Over and over you will find the Christian Right and ex-gay change ministries supporting environmental theories as the cause of a homosexual preference.

While I do not believe that only relational issues between father and son causes homosexuality in all men, I do believe this model fits many, if not most, gay men. I also believe inborn characteristics play a role, interacting with environmental factors in complex, varying ways from one individual to the next.

What is the significance of this background information? Men who are gay more because of innate conditions may not be able to change their orientation. For them, gay sexual relations or celibacy may be their only two options in life. On the other hand, men who are gay more because of environmental conditions may be able to experience real change through intensive, long term therapy combined with divine power. Their gay feelings may gradually diminish while real heterosexual feelings increase. For this group, heterosexual relations may become satisfying. Like heterosexuals, they also have the option of celibacy.

To Change or Not to Change

A few very important points need to be emphasized. It would be misguided and harmful to try to convince someone to try to change his gay orientation if he was incapable of change. I have spoken with or heard from hundreds of men, Christian and otherwise, who have sincerely tried to change their gay orientation without satisfying, long-term results. On the other hand it would be misguided and harmful to attempt to persuade someone from attempting to change his orientation if he, in fact, could change. I have spoken with or heard from a number of formerly gay men who claim to now have real, long-term heterosexual feelings along with the elimination of gay feelings. I am convinced some have changed. I am personally acquainted with many men with SGA's who are now married or celibate and have achieved varying degrees of success in their attempt to change. I would recommend not giving advice to gay men about seeking change. In my opinion only the individual with homosexual feelings can make this decision. The best thing you can do for sexually active gay relatives and friends is to pray for them. As for gay men, the only way to know what action we should take is to pray the Lord guide us through His Holy Spirit to make the right decision.

My Family Background

Now I will share my life story and gay experience:

I am a second son. My father was rarely home from the time I was born until I was a young adult. He typically worked six to seven days a week, often staying out all night on the job when I was a little boy. Later, he became an alcoholic and would at times be gone for days at a time, binge-drinking. My father had an ill temper. He was usually emotionally hurtful, and occasionally physically violent. He was almost always angry about something my mother did or one of his children. Sometimes, when very intoxicated, he would beat my mother. He attacked my brother and I, as well. If I were to use one word to describe my feelings when my father was around, it would be fear. When dad came home my heart started pounding.

I was one of 6 children. My father preferred to do things with the family, not me individually. However, I remember he once took my brother and me fishing. Once he threw a baseball with us. Other than that, our relationship revolved around work. My father was a control freak who constantly yelled out orders for us to follow. He was big, strong, and ready to punish. Consequently, we rarely disobeyed. I was an obedient son due to fear of punishment. As far back as I can remember my father never hugged me, not even once. When I was little, he did like to chase me down and pinch my legs hard until I cried. That was our only touching. He never told me he loved me. He did not make time for me. As a boy I was frightened of my father and consequently of other men and even many boys. As an adolescent I hated my father. I can remember always saying I did not want to be like my dad.

I had a loving relationship with my mother. She did the best she could raising six children, essentially by herself. I also had a very close relationship with my brothers and sisters. We all banded together emotionally for support in coping with the stress caused by living with my father.

As you can see, my life experience lends itself nicely to an environmental cause of a homosexual orientation. Yet, I believe innate factors played a role as well. One evidence of this is that I had two brothers who were raised in a similar environment. Both of them are heterosexual. There were significant differences as one brother was four years older and the other 14 years younger than me. Nevertheless, our environmental experience was similar, especially our relationships with our father. Apparently, for some unknown reason, some boys are inherently susceptible to being gay. As the right etiological constellation of innate and experiential variables come together, a gay orientation develops.

Snapshots of a Gay SDA

Now I would like to share a few snapshots of my experience. My hope is after exposure to my story you will understand me better. My experience and feelings seem to be typical of gays. I always felt different as a boy. While most boys were aggressive, I was sensitive and shy. When the teenage years hit and my male friends started noticing girls, I did not. I never analyzed my reactions at the time. Feeling attracted to boys was something that naturally developed in me. I so want to emphasize this point: I never chose to be gay.

The fact is I repressed any thoughts of being gay. My church taught me homosexuality was the great sin of Sodom and Gomorrah, an abomination to the Lord, a sin especially hated by God. My family and culture taught me homosexuality was abnormal, disgusting, a perversion. What person in their right mind would choose something universally considered so negative? Deep down, I knew something was wrong with me, but I could never admit it. I was in denial which helped me to cope with my adolescence.

During my high school years things worsened. My friends were dating and getting girlfriends. I paired off with girls, but whenever things became too involved I backed away. The idea of having sex with a girl was repelling. I tried to force myself, but I simply couldn't do it. I kept thinking one day I would wake up and be attracted to girls. That day never came.

I tried so hard to force myself to be straight. I had my first girlfriend at 23. We kissed and experimented, but I just could not conjure up the desire to have sex. I finally broke up with her, since it was becoming painfully obvious that something was just not right and it was not fair to her.

I had my first gay encounter at 24. It was exciting and felt natural for me. I knew immediately, and with absolute certainty, that I was gay. Afterward, I had never felt so guilty. I cried bitterly. I felt compelled to behave in a way I inwardly believed to be a perversion. In the following months I prayed to God to help me and sought counseling. I really tried to change myself, but in the end, and as always, I was left with an undeniable, uncontrollable attraction to men. I finally decided that, right or wrong, I was going to pursue it.

Believe me when I say I sowed my wild oats. I also had two partners, one for seven years and one for six. My last partner was loving, dependable and supportive. Many people think of gays only in terms of imagined repulsive sexual acts they commit. In reality, for most people our sexuality is only a small part of our life. Gays for the most part only want what straight people want. We just hope for someone to come home to, someone to share our lives with. We would simply like to have someone who cares about us intimately who we can talk to and love. We desire to have a life partner. That is what I had with my last gay partner. I considered him my lifetime companion and I truly loved him.

My Conversion

Four years ago I had a stunning, powerful dream. God suddenly converted me. I knew my sexual activity and my partner had to go. I cried for four days straight after accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Repentance, confession and turning to God was an excruciatingly painful experience. Just recalling this even now, over four years later, it still hurts. God was asking me to give up my partner of six years even though we were still in love. God forced me into a day of reckoning and of choice. I chose God. This was emotionally devastating for me because I was repenting and giving up my beloved companion at the same time. My whole life had revolved around him for six years. Through this experience I claim to know the meaning of this text:

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." Matthew 16:24 NKJV

I was baptized in 1995. I thank the Lord for loving even me, a gay man. For the last four years I have successfully lived a celibate life. I realize I have remained celibate solely because of the grace and power of God. Unfortunately, my core problem remains: I am still attracted to men. But there has been an encouraging decrease in that attraction. I am not as interested in men. I do not look at them as I used to. I have made real progress in overcoming lust. Also, celibacy is getting easier. I am only 47, so it is difficult to think about spending the rest of my life on earth alone through no fault of my own. I am a relationship type of person, and being single is the most difficult cross for me to bear. I do know that God loves me and only He is powerful enough to help me deal with what I am still going through. Further, only He can change me, so I have no choice but to turn this problem over to Him. On my own, I am powerless over it. The good news is that all things are possible with God.

I would like to share an insight. In some ways, my life for the first two years after coming to the Lord was like an alcoholic's, trying to recover from a powerful addiction. I lived from day to day. I was in a battle with myself. Satan attacked me relentlessly. I believe the longer one practices any sin, the more difficult it is to turn away from it. I also believe it is likely for some, if not most, gay men that our sexual orientation may only be changed by degree. At this point in my journey I have changed significantly; however not to the point where I feel I could take on a wife. My experience is that after four years it is much easier to resist temptation. I feel almost satisfied with my celibate life. Praise God! This wonderful healing comes from Him!

I would like to issue a warning to anyone considering experimenting with homosexual activity: Don't do it! Homosexual behavior, like nothing else, creates a powerful, ensnaring web. It is almost impossible to walk away from it. I believe it would be impossible without the help of God. Like no other sin, homosexual behavior traps you. For me, it took a supernatural dream from the Lord to shake me up and make me realize that what I was doing was wrong. On some level, the devil had deceived me. Praise God that He rescues us even when we don't know we need rescuing!

Homosexuality a Sin?

While homosexual behavior is a sin, I have not found any reference in the Bible indicating a homosexual orientation is a sin. I advise all to study this. It is extremely important to be able to differentiate between these two things. Gay-oriented Christians who are married to women or celibate are not living in a state of sin. We are not someone to shun. We did not choose our orientation. It is a sad thought that even now we rarely come forward identifying ourselves as having SGA's, even though we are among you in church. In my case, only my pastor knows I have gay feelings. One thing that would benefit you would be to invite a celibate gay Christian or married person with SGA's into your church. Nothing beats a face-to-face encounter. You may think you know all about us and understand us but you don't. We hardly know and understand ourselves! On the other hand, no one can explain our gay life experience better than we can. I guess the real question is, Does your congregation care enough about gays to want to know us better?

Love Gays Into the Church!

I would like to leave you with this parting thought. If you have a gay or lesbian relative or friend, keep in mind that they are dealing with a special condition. It is sin only when acted upon. If someone is ensnared with homosexual behavior, remember how difficult it is to turn away. Prayer is crucial. God knows about those of us who long for healing. He knows all about our blood struggle to turn away from homosexual behavior. He does not require that we be anything other than what we are when we turn to Him. God does not condemn; He forgives. He opens His arms wide in loving acceptance to anyone who will come to Him. Every one of us should do no less. The love and grace of God and His power to heal is the only hope any sinner has. Try to always remember this. I know it is quite possible to love sexually active gays right into the church. God did it for me. Could you do it for someone else?

For almost any other type of sin Seventh-day Adventists seem to understand that God does not require they be freed from that problem before He welcomes them into fellowship and worship. For those who think this is somehow different for gays I entreat you to lay down your stones. Do not point out the sin of others; confess your own sins. Be like Jesus and draw even sexually active gays into your fellowship with loving acceptance. Therein lies true Christian power and influence.

My dream is that Seventh-day Adventists, and all Christians, will accept gays into the church just as they are. Love them in. This is a good place to run John 3: 16 through your mind. Leave the convicting about homosexual sin to the Holy Spirit. Maybe then our church could really be a hospital for sinners. And maybe then we could grow our church by making new forever friends, even gay friends, for Jesus.

——John Edwards (a pseudonym)