My second-grade teacher warned me not to hang out with girls too much. I don't know; I just couldn't play with the boys--they always called me names. I wasn't used to being treated like a weakling. I was always dominant at home, and I wanted to be the leader.

The girls were the only ones who were nice to me in school. How I wished I could be like the other guys! I remember watching my cousin's Pathfinder group marching on the school grounds. I was attracted to their leader. One time I saw the leader and his friends playing basketball. They didn't have their shirts on. I kept staring at them and watched their bodies sweat.

When I was in sixth grade, we learned about the parts of the body. Most of the boys talked about how they would experiment with "things." They talked about how sexy girls were. They wished they could kiss and hug the girls they had crushes on. I didn't feel that way. I wanted the affection of a guy, not a girl. I couldn't resist my attraction to men.

Maybe I just wanted to be like the other boys. Maybe I just wanted the whole church school to stop calling me a sissy. To be a "bakla" is a sin, according to my mom. She told me when I was eleven years old to be careful with a "bakla." He might even try to kill you.

My father, who is an ordained minister, cautioned me, too. "I heard that your school director is a 'bakla'," my dad warned me.

My best friend from elementary school recently mentioned to me that his parents forbade him to hang out with me when we were growing up because he might turn out to be "bakla."

So, how can I stop people from harassing me? I can't be "bakla" if it is a sin. But it's impossible for people to condemn me. Even my first childhood memories remind me that I was always called "bakla." I couldn't have been born with a curse. It is like being born deaf, just like the character from the movie, Mr. Holland's Opus. But my church cares for them--the disabled, the alcoholic, the drug addict, and the divorced person.

I have been attracted to the same gender for almost twenty-five years now. I am not sexually addicted to the same sex. All I want is to be treated normally, like the straight people are treated. I cannot help not having feelings for women. I always fall in love with men. Do I have this feeling because I was labeled "bakla"? Would I be different if I had the courage to tell my parents that I was attracted to the security guard I kissed on the cheek when I was a baby? They knew I loved kissing and hugging, but they didn't know that I had "different" feelings with the boys or men I hugged.

I thought it might have been a lack of a father figure. My dad was busy preaching in different churches. But I remember my dad teaching me how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to skate, how to use a stick-shift car. He walked me to school. I even have his temper and his habit of finishing the leftover food.

Yes, we are all born sinners. But is my "sin" so bad that I would be condemned? Romans 1:27 doesn't talk about a guy falling in love with another guy. I don't care about the sex part. I know how it feels to be in love. You don't fall in love because someone has sexy legs. It is a feeling you can't explain.

I tried so hard to feel that with a woman. I know how to detect a beautiful woman. I had lots of girl "crushes." Or, at least, I told my friends that because I knew who the beautiful girls were. I was obsessed with a girl in high school. Oh, she will be my partner in life. But I just couldn't feel what my other guy friends were feeling.

It wasn't until I was nineteen that I felt the magic of love. (I had come here to the States when I was seventeen to go to college). I became close with a guy and I didn't know he was gay. We were so close that I wanted to be with him forever. Then "it" happened. I thought guys just do "it." Hey, my guy classmates in the Philippines were talking about doing "it" together (I always wished I could join them!). Then he asked me, "Are you gay?" I couldn't answer.

I spent the whole summer reading books on homosexuality and men studies. I studied about ex-gay ministries, what the Bible says about homosexuality, and about verbal harassment. I cried to God, "Why have you made me suffer all these years?" I don't deserve to be discriminated against. I am happy and at peace with myself when I am with a man.

I've learned that in Hebrew, there are different terms for homosexuality and that the term in the Bible is for someone--a straight man--who lusts for sex, for doing "it" with another man just to fulfill his libido. I am not that way.

When I accepted myself, that I was born gay, I found my inner peace. I stopped suffering. But I continue to search for answers. I continue to seek His will. My parents tell me that they are concerned about my salvation. But I know that God doesn't want me to live my whole life questioning myself. I don't want to end up feeling like I am always having a nervous breakdown because I was born with a "mental disorder." I know that I am already saved by God's grace. Should I spend the rest of my life trying to cure the "sin" I felt when I was born, when I didn't even know anything about this world?

We all know that we shouldn't be judging one another. It is up to God. I hope and pray that I am not the only person experiencing since birth the feeling of condemnation from my church members. But many Filipinos have come out to me. It is by chance that we learned about each other. There is nobody to talk to because preachers are condemning gays. There isn't even a good word for the term "gay" in the Filipino dictionary. Maybe things would be different if gays were approached with love. Would we even know how to deal with it if a five-year-old boy approached us with a comment: "I think he's cute"?

There are those here in the United States who have brought up their children to accept the difference of a person. We may not be able to give an answer to the five-year-old boy. But one should not assume that Jesus says homosexuality is wrong. I don't have an answer to why I've felt this way since I was born. All I know is that I still love my Lord, and that I am happy that He created me.

I am happy I'm gay, I'm happy I'm gay,
With Jesus Christ, I'm happy I'm gay.
He has taken all my sins away.
And that's why I'm happy I'm gay.
(sung to the tune of "I'm Happy Today"

"Thank you Lord for creating me. I know you would treat me like anybody else. Just like when you were at the same table with Zacchaeus, and just like when Mary Magdalene poured oil on your feet. I know that you want me to be happy with a partner, just like when you found someone for Adam. Am I meant to be alone in this earth because I was born not liking Eve? All I know, Lord, is that I have found happiness and peace through accepting myself and through the assurance of my place in heaven. My faith looks up to Thee. Amen."