At the time, I did not fully appreciate my self-deception. It was ironic, considering that Romans 1 talks about trading the truth for a lie. But I was SO desperate! It was also ironic that the same friend who had introduced me to some tamer forms of gay sex, had also introduced me to the Adventist church and this wonderful Adventist couple. They befriended me, showed me the better side of Christianity, and, quite inadvertently, sent me on a strange personal journey with respect to my sexual identity. So I found God in a small rural Adventist church. Bucking my non-religious family, I joined a little-known denomination and found a marvelous Jesus who loved me so much. During my senior year in high school, I became extroverted and a bit fanatical as I shared my Adventist faith. The other students took it in remarkable stride and actually started to include me in their circle as the resident "fundamentalist."

The same Adventist couple encouraged me to go to an Adventist college. I had a marvelous time drinking in the spiritual things of a parochial college. I still quietly had crushes on many guys but never acted on them. After graduation I went to work at an Adventist conference office. My crushes landed on one very handsome fellow who probably wondered why I was so friendly. Internally I was fighting myself. I desperately wanted a man, desperately! But why? I can't be gay! I started doing research on transsexuality. I became convinced that a sex change was what I needed to have peace and happiness. Feeling torn and helpless, I sent a letter to my parents explaining my intent. My mother phoned, crying hysterically. She didn’t want her beautiful son to be mutilated! But my internal struggles just wouldn't go away! The emotional pain increased.

Leaving the conference office for a secular job with better pay, I began to consider a master plan of "what I should be." My self-deception grew increasingly complicated. I despised my male parts, yet used them in fantasies. I hated my face so grew my hair long to look female. I tried dressing as a female, but it did not bring me peace. I even started estrogen treatment. When will I feel better about myself? Aren't I supposed to look forward to the change? Yet, the deeper my attempts at self-deception, the less satisfying it became. I was propping up a delusion that took more and more of my energy to maintain. I tried to manipulate my emotions, manipulate my friends and family, and even manipulate God.

The understanding lady doing my electrolysis was worried about me, bless her, especially because my counselor did not seem to be probing my inner self. She recommended another excellent counselor and also put me in contact with a transsexual. It was interesting to see reality. My new counselor started probing in certain emotionally sensitive areas. It was not easy; I said "OUCH!" often. Slowly, I began to see flaws in my logic, my perceptions, and my false peace of mind. My delusions came crashing down around me. I still could not fully accept that I was gay, but I knew I was attracted to men. I stopped going to the counselor because of my fear. What else might he uncover?

I was miserable and the pain kept hurting. So I made another bargain with God: I'll marry and have a child like God would want me to, right? And I'll just simply control this little attraction I have for men while I live with a good female friend, right? Just praise God for attractive men and never act on it! Right?

I became an elder in my local Adventist church. I made new friends and had an active social life. I upheld the Seventh-day Adventist faith — maybe a bit too rigidly at times. Gradually, my sexual pressures increased. My isolation increased. And my self-directed hatred continued to intensify. I did have one friend, Dave, a straight man and a good Christian, that I could confide in. Dave and I were talking in his car one night after a church function, when my frustrations boiled over. I confessed to Dave that I was gay, and started sobbing uncontrollably. He reached over, put his hand on me and said very simply, "God loves you!" The power of that tender human touch extended to one who felt morally filthy, and the promise that God still looked kindly upon me was a tremendous comfort. Dave kept my secret and gave me as much support as he could.

Deciding to keep my pact with God, I joined "Adventist Contact" and dated a few women, but the relationships never seemed to go anywhere. It was nerve-wracking trying to treat my dates as more than friends. I never succeeded. (uh, can I get physically affectionate tomorrow?) Eventually, my obsession was redirected into having a son and being a father. I so much wanted a son! Please God, give me a son! But of course, I had to have a wife to do that. (uh, but could she just "go away" after birth?) I actually contacted a beautiful female physician and we got along quite well over the phone. But when we met it was as if she became an utter stranger, cool and distant. She seemed to sense that I would not be a good mate for her. I was rejected by her and it crushed me.

I asked God to control my gay nature and send me a wife. Send me a wife! Lord, you can do it! Please! This pleading became routine over several years. I was now almost 40 years old. I decided to bypass the "wife part" and start adoption procedures to find a son. I thought adoption would be no problem, since my job paid well and I could be a "good provider." Suddenly, I was laid off from my job, my car broke down, and new job prospects appeared dismal. For a year, I had no permanent employment. My prospects for adopting a son vanished.

I became quite ill with a strange disease that left my legs with a bad rash and extreme pain when walking. I was also depressed and felt very little reason to live. Fortunately, the local Adventist Singles group kept watch on me. I was fading, but their care and attention revived me. I became so weak and debilitated that I couldn't watch TV and had to force myself to eat. Only my beloved novels kept my interest in life going. It was ironic that one attractive gay man was a member of Adventist Singles group, but we did NOT get along with each other. Interestingly, as I noticed that he was basically "normal," though an opinionated jerk, my homophobia fractured slightly.

I bargained with God again. All right, God, I guess the only recourse for me is to be celibate and lonely, right? My life gradually started to improve. My health returned and I landed a wonderful job working for the Adventist denomination. For three years, I worked 70 to 80 hours a week, something I had never done before. It was partly the nature of the work, but it was also another way to escape. My social life soon became non-existent, my activity in church shriveled, and I gained weight and stopped bothering to take care of myself. My self-loathing never disappeared.

By accident, I discovered a "muscle man" website on the Internet. It was pleasant. Then, I discovered other websites, gay websites. Why not peek at the gay websites, just a peek. Sex? Well, I really shouldn't but . . . I became addicted. I looked and had to have some pictures of gay sex. I spent so much time on it that sometimes I saw the sunrise after "just peeking" all night. But I promised God I would give it up — any day now, but can't I look just once more, and once more, and. . . .

My body rebelled against me in another devastating disease. I thought that it was surely a judgment from God that I had cardiac problems! I pleaded with God to forgive me for my gay passions and heal me. To my utter surprise, I was healed and praised God for it! My doctors expected me to be somewhat crippled, but I wasn't. I did have to make changes in my lifestyle but my health returned fully. I was cured! But my obsession with gay sex websites returned. More and more, I was addicted to images of gay sex. Even Sabbath became a day to surf the pornographic websites and play games, with an occasional break to go to church (late, of course). I was approaching a low point in my life, for sure!

My prayer life had not been good either. Though it still existed, I had became more withdrawn and formal. I did still cling to Jesus, but my grasp seemed weak. I wanted to love and be loved! I wanted a companion! But I couldn't have one, could I? In utter frustration and desperation, I finally asked God for a mate, a male one! That was ridiculous, wasn't it? Didn't God say "wife," NOT "husband"? But I had a sense that, even though I was having difficulty, the Lord still regarded me as His child. And I wanted a way out — one that would bring me peace and reconciliation.>

Last Easter, I again poured out my heart to Dave and he reassured me of God's love. I took this providential conversation to mean that God did indeed love me and maybe, just maybe, God might answer my prayer. Dave had given me a book, The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee. It was somewhere in my incredibly messy living room and I didn't even know if I could find it. But I had only taken a few steps into my living room and there it was, on the arm of a chair! H-m-m-m, is someone trying to tell me something? I started reading it and felt spiritual stirrings that had been absent for a while.

I devoted a lot of energy trying to find all the Ellen G. White references on homosexuality. There were only three, and they weren’t relevant. I went to large book stores to examine gay resource materials, but I was scared that people might think I was gay! How do you look at "that section" without being identified as gay (or does anyone really care)?

I turned to the Internet and looked up Kinship, desperately reaching out to an organization that I had always despised, and ordered a pamphlet. Then I found an "online" bookstore and started ordering books on the topic. The Battle for Normalcy painted gays as so neurotic and pitiful they couldn't cross the street without a nervous breakdown. But other books were FAR more useful and I was ready to read and learn.

I started reading the Kinship pamphlet. The author showed cracks in the traditional biblical interpretations. Hope was coming through. I decided I really needed to visit a gay bookstore. For some reason, I was surprised to find it in the middle of a "gay community!" But I couldn't focus on the books. I had an overwhelming urge to leave, NOW! Later, I found out gay bookstores are where many people meet "dates." I'm glad I did not know that then. In my state of mind, I would have had a difficult time resisting temptation!

I walked down to a nearby park, where many gay men congregated. I was exhilarated to see them all doing rather normal things. There was a gay couple holding hands. I smiled —a smile that came from deep within — and thought, Someone interesting lives here. I sat under a tree, pretending someone would come up to me and say, "Where have you been all my life?" A dog approached, but he wasn't that friendly. Oh, well! I chuckled to myself at my romantic delusions, but my spirits soared. I left reluctantly. The next day I seemed to be more at peace with myself. It was a nice feeling, and I made a mental note of it.

The following Friday evening, I called Dave and told him about my experience. He wasn't too encouraging and started talking about "change ministries," especially about one where he lived. I told him about the problems change ministries have had (like the leaders falling in love with each other, so heterosexual leaders had to be found). I reminded him that it would be optimistic, to say the least, for someone my age to be able to change. He said, "Oh," but still thought I should check them out.

I noticed I was shaking as we discussed the Bible verses about homosexuality and some problems with them. He pointed out Paul's famous verse about men and women trading natural relations for unnatural ones — good old Romans 1 again — and the "promise" that some would be cured. Wasn't that encouraging? I didn’t want to disappoint Dave, so I told him he could send me their pamphlet and I would send him the one from Kinship. When I hung up the phone I felt strangely oppressed. What’s the matter?

The night dragged on endlessly. Finally, as the sun began to rise, I got up and wandered aimlessly around my apartment, trying shake a real depression. What is wrong? Why am I feeling so unsettled? Aren't I being logical? Haven't I looked at everything? Aren't I being honest. Aren't I...? Suddenly I broke into uncontrollable sobs and felt intense emotional pain. Grabbing my head, I curled up into a little ball. A few minutes later, I blinked away the tears, totally confused. What was happening?

When I went to church and read my Bible, they seemed more interesting than I last remembered. I continued to read and review basics about the Christian life. And I had a couple more crying spells, which I did not understand.

I decided to write a letter and pour out my heart to Dave. I pointed out that I had never had "natural relations" with a woman so, how could I have traded them? I told him that changing my nature would be akin to ripping out my heart. The final part of my letter summed up my plight and determination quite well: "But I cannot and will not continue as I have been. I am suffering far too much and have been far too long. I must have resolution! I must have the truth! I must reject shallow interpretations from all sides! I must follow Jesus in all things He wants! I must be whole. . ." I put the Kinship pamphlet with the letter and mailed it.

Sunday came and I went to the mall. I felt a peace I rarely experience. I felt connected to everything, and so alive. I could like myself! I could like my life! As the week progressed, I found myself easily brought to tears. I was "feeling." When I asked someone, "How are you?" I genuinely wanted to know. I was so much more comfortable with myself that others noticed. Strangers started talking with me. Something was happening. I was changing for the better! I, who normally bought clothes when the old ones were falling apart, started buying clothes — fashionable clothes — a new suit, matching shirts and ties. I started to comb my hair better. I even started pulling stray hairs from my eyebrows and mustache. I noticed that when I smiled, I had a small dimple, a feature I admire. A middle-aged man FINALLY realizes he has a dimple! Had I never noticed before because I hated myself so much? I felt committed to taking care of myself, that I was worthy to be taken care of! I started walking and talking to God everyday.

When I called Dave the next Thursday, he was encouraged about the positive changes in me. He said he no longer "worried about me." Then he tried to help by pointing out "my options," but I got upset with his suggestions. Sabbath came and the mental anguish and crying spells occurred again. I began to dread the next Sabbath.

I kept reading The Normal Christian Life. There was a passage about people who didn't dare pray certain prayers for fear of upsetting their comfortable yet empty lives. That brought tears to my eyes, because I had prayed a prayer that upset my life. But I felt led by God, and seemed to see evidence that God was leading in my journey. That made me feel better, but what does all the crying mean? As the next weekend approached I talked to Dave again. He was more sympathetic this time and was actually impressed with my spiritual growth and the fact that I was quoting things out of the book. Still, tension remained.

I grew discouraged, began surfing the Net and found some interesting references to "safe-sex" clubs. That went directly to my base nature! The weekend came and I HAD to find out more about this club. I had a hard time locating it. When I actually saw it, the allure vanished and I turned and walked away. I realized I was not looking for promiscuity, but for love and affection. I started driving to my office. The radio, tuned to a Christian station, was playing a song about the "mighty power of God." Unexpectedly, powerful emotions attacked me and it took a strong effort of will to fight them off until I reached my empty office. I lay on the sofa and cried uncontrollably, writhing in utter torment. What’s going on? Why does a song about the "mighty power of God" affect me so? Why, WHY? Suddenly I realized, I’m AFRAID of God!

I sat up, stunned. I worshipped a God who had always shepherded me, always cared for me. Why am I afraid of a loving Father? I didn't even feel like calling him Father. I realized I was afraid because I assumed God wanted me to be celibate, and therefore lonely and miserable. For over two decades tears had come to my eyes whenever I thought of my future, my lonely future. But how can I fight the Most High God? I am condemned to celibacy! It was not unlike a prison sentence. I had quite unintentionally turned God into a harsh Dictator with whom I had no recourse, no appeal. No wonder I had endured these crying spells; I was grieving and mourning. Talking to God about how I feared Him helped immensely. Somehow the Father (now I was able to call Him Father again) seemed less unbending and far more sympathetic to me.

I shared this revelation with Dave, and he encouraged me to start reading my Bible a bit every day, as that was how God talked back to me. Okay, I thought, I'll do that. I tried opening up the Bible at random as Dave did and got delightful pieces of encouragement. It seemed that God was talking to me. I continued to read The Normal Christian Life. There was a chapter on giving God everything. Everything? That made me feel uneasy, but I thought it would be more than futile to deny God any part of me. So, with a bit of dread, I gave my sexuality to the Lord. Immediately I felt intense peace and reassurance, and a distinct impression that I would not be celibate in the future. I would have a mate. I even got the feeling it would be a gay one. Dave was amazed and thrilled to hear what I had done. It was God's problem now!

I still had battles to face. I read more "change ministry" material and got depressed again. I went down to the local Adventist Book Center and started looking at book titles. I briefly picked up My Son, Beloved Stranger and saw the end where he decided to be celibate. My next surprising emotion was ANGER! What is so bloody wrong with two people of the same sex in a committed loving relationship? I stood in the middle of the ABC, tense with rage, and thought There's nothing here for me! Stomping out, I went home. I decided to do one act of rebellion, and felt very much like a dejected little eight-year-old, with my heavenly Father putting His arm around me and asking "Feel better?" I nodded my head and puffed a bit of laughter. What was I thinking? Yet God was there with me, and He seemed to promise that if He asked me to abandon my dream of a gay mate He'd explain why; though I got the impression He was NOT asking me to do that!

I decided to join Kinnet. I gave them a pseudonym. A few days later the list owner called to ask for clarification. I was so utterly nervous, it took three tries before I gave him my full name. He was sympathetic with poor little me. It was amazing how supportive Kinnet was. Many people welcomed me; one said she had to crack the closet open just a hair and whisper, "Welcome." It was wonderful! I felt SO much calmer. A straight Christian named Inge was SO encouraging.

I talked to Dave again. He said the change ministry he knew about seemed to emphasize God's love. "Okay," I replied, "but first I want to meet a gay couple." Remembering the transsexual I had met long ago, I felt I needed to see a real-life model. Dave said to be careful, but that he wasn't too worried, because I seemed to have an analytical mind like he did. I looked at literature from another change ministry. This one had testimonials from people who were so glad to get out of the gay scene, but that didn’t really resonated with me. I WASN’T sexually active! Wanted to be, of course. But I was held back (righteous by cowardice? Or was it protection by God?). The brochure flat-out stated that everyone was born heterosexual. Really? Is it stamped on a kid’s forehead when he comes out of the womb? Then I came across a statement that said, "You must confess to God that homosexuality is a sin!" That hit me hard! I ripped off my music headphones and sank to my knees in front of the computer, overwhelmed. Another bungee-cord jump of ripping emotions. That statement ignores the fact that the homosexual orientation comes unbidden, there is NO choice! It's just THERE! You can argue about the acts but NOT about the orientation; orientation is NOT sin, any more than temptation is. If it is, then God is quite an arbitrary tyrant!

I took my pain into the bedroom and sank to my knees in tortured prayer to God. I got up and felt anger again! The anger turned upward. I started to become quite sarcastic with the Almighty. I was born heterosexual, huh? What happened? My license expired? I snapped about the "holy heaven of heterosexuality" and how marvelous and flawless it was. (heavy sarcasm) I mocked about the fact that "two men enjoying themselves in bed" were far worse than any other sin on the planet, including nuking a city. I ranted and raved while wandering about the apartment. Friends watching me would probably have been looking for lightning-proof places to stand! Finally, exhausted, I leaned my head against the wall and moaned, "Lord, why is it so evil for me to love a man in a monogamous relationship?" Then I decided to submit to God again, and whispered, "Okay, you win." That was when I got the impression, "No, you won!" Little Kyle of Planet Earth struggled with the Lord and found peace? I laughed about that — laughter of joy. The Lord understood! He had let me vent my frustrations! It was far easier to put myself back in His loving arms. (Struggling is unpleasant, but reconciliation is wonderful!)

July 2, 1998. A gay couple who had put me in contact with a marvelous counselor graciously invited me over. During dinner I talked to them about my fears and bouts with God. They were sympathetic. I was worried about my employment with the denomination. They reassured me and mentioned other gays who are quietly working for the church. My fears subsided. It was nice to see this couple hold hands and kiss in their kitchen.

The next Sabbath approached. I had practiced and practiced what I was going to discuss with Dave. I picked up the phone, then paused. Am I trying to convince him under my own power? I put down the phone and decided to have a small chat with God first! I needed to make peace with Dave and the way I related to him. I needed to pull toward him, not away, and come a bit closer to the body of Christ, of which he was a part. I was on the verge of tears when I dialed him, thinking This is going to hurt. But when I started talking to Dave, he was wonderfully supportive. We talked about the change ministries and Colin Cook's mess. Dave agreed that trying to force change was very unChristian. I talked about how orientation is different from sexual activity. Dave agreed that the Adventist Church does sometimes bungle things, like when it supported Cook's Quest ministries. I called him my "elder brother in the faith," which I believe he is. He supported me in my journey with God, while trying to figure out what I was supposed to do! He said as soon as he "figured it out," he'd phone and "straighten me out." He also said not to hold my breath! I told Dave I was going to see the fireworks with the gay couple. I needed a dose of reality. He cautioned me, of course. His opinions had not changed, but he acknowledged my freedom. What more did I need?

The gay couple invited me to a Kinship swimming party. I had to pray about it, but it seemed the Lord wanted me to go. I bought a new swimsuit! The party was at the country home of a lesbian. She and her partner gave me hugs. (Mom always wanted me to meet nice women!) The hugs felt good! I hadn’t had one for a long time. It was fun associating with this group. My old stereotypes were breaking down rapidly. I sat next to an attractive, though partnered, guy and had a marvelous conversation as we ate dinner. I found my libido, which had been my enemy, go DOWN. I had brakes, real brakes! It was amazing!

Since then my fear has left. Being gay does NOT equate with being barely in control. I have options. I can relate in healthy ways to the gay community, and my homophobia is rapidly melting away. I'm still closeted, though there is a BIG crack in the door! Romans 1 is no longer an enemy. Its message of so long ago has finally sunk in — keep the truth, no matter what the pain. I need to rely on God, not myself. It's taken nearly three decades for me to truly understand that. Will I get my gay mate? Will I keep my job? Will I even live to see tomorrow? It matters not. As my friend Dave said, "Don’t go in front of the Lord, nor behind Him, but go with Him, and don't worry about the cost. The Lord will preserve." I have tasted of the Lord and found Him loving! Besides, if He says "No," it is foolish of me to fight Him. And if He says "Yes," no power on earth will stop Him!

God loves me -- all of me!