Journey of Pain, Journey of Grace

by John Young* ©1999

While other boys were beginning to take interest in the opposite sex, I remember being only attracted to men. Growing up in the Adventist school system and ghetto, I was especially sheltered from understanding my situation objectively. I asked myself if I could be one of "those homosexuals," whom I knew almost nothing about except for the occasional derogatory comment.

With no apparent alternative for leading a fulfilled life, I felt I should date girls and find a wife. Before taking the final step, I cautioned my fiancée about my attraction to men. She brushed it off, saying that she would "take care of that" when we got married. Although I loved my wife very much, I soon realized that my attraction to men did not vanish. Despondency and discouragement swept over me.

For over 20 years of marriage I agonized with my situation. My wife frequently complained that I was not romantic enough and did not fulfill her. I, for one, can assure you that the simplistic notion of "giving it to God" and "praying about it earnestly" was sincerely tried, to no avail except to change my outward behavior. While God helped me to remain faithful to my wife and shun pornography, He did not change my deep emotional and sexual needs. I experienced a deep crisis of faith on the realization that God had not said Yes, and that, should anything happen to my marriage, I could not enter another heterosexual relationship with integrity. Now I knew what I probably should have known when I was 18. I feared acknowledging my struggle to my wife for fear of wounding her or of her abandoning me, neither of which I wanted. I also dreaded the rejection of my network of colleagues and friends, especially within the Church.

Through intense prayer, study, and much pain I finally came to the conclusion that I could not go on as I was. I had once more tried to acknowledge this problem to my wife, only to be met with the response that I should just "pray harder" and believe God would solve the problem. She added that if I expressed again that this was still a problem, she could not stay married to me. It was about this time that the Adventist Review printed Carrol Grady's article (April, 1997) which discussed homosexuality as being neither a choice nor realistically changeable. My wife refused to read or discuss this article with me and was strongly critical of me for having read it. However, I praised God for the Review editors who had had the courage to publish something this redemptive. The article reassured me that I was not a failure as a Christian.

During this very stressful time, my mother asked me if my obvious sense of stress had anything to do with an attraction to men. This opened the door for me to "come out" to my parents, and I welcomed the opportunity to be honest with them. While they were deeply concerned about this revelation, they immediately expressed their unconditional love - something they have consistently demonstrated since then.

Out of my desire to deny or change the reality I was confronting I visited the local chapter of Exodus, a Christian "change" ministry for homosexuals. I had prayed for a sign that it was God's will for me to do this, but did not receive an answer. Nevertheless, I went. At the interview with John, an Exodus staff member, I briefly told my story and explained my interest in what potential the program had for me. John then told me that, in his opinion, Exodus was largely unsuccessful although he enjoyed attending the meetings and being a staff member. What happened next in the office caught me off guard: he handed me his phone number, invited me to call him personally at home, propositioned me, then dropped his pants. I left immediately, feeling both angry and violated. I had mentioned to John where I worked, and about a week later he startled me by appearing there. I told him I did not want to see him, and asked him to leave me alone - which he did.

It was also about this time that I read two helpful books: Never Good Enough by Carol Cannon and Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I realized through these scripturally-oriented books that I was codependent as well as struggling with homosexuality. I learned that I needed to be honest with my wife and quit saying Yes simply to please her, or I would ultimately lose my ability to say No to anyone about anything.

At middle age I found the prospect of divorce, being "outed," and losing acceptance in my local congregation very frightening. (I had already left church employment for other reasons.) I was a father and dreaded losing respect or relationship with my children, whom I love very, very dearly. However, my desire for emotional and spiritual health and integrity won out and, by faith, I chose what I could: honesty and integrity. I did this with renewed assurance that God would provide the answers about the future that I did not yet have.

And so, my wife and I separated and I began a new life alone. I wanted very much to remain an Adventist, and prayed daily that God would keep me close to Him. I thank God for leading me to a new church home where I am accepted and valued. My children remain close to me, though not understanding why I can't "change." My wife chose to totally alienate herself from me. We have no contact whatsoever and she will not give me her phone number or address.

I cannot help but think that much pain and many mistakes could have been spared had I been helped to responsibly accept my sexual identity as an adult. But any Adventist teachers who might have wanted to help me understand that God loves and accepts me as the person I am would have been in danger of losing their job. I long to serve the Church again full time, but some might feel I have an unacceptable handicap. While the Church has largely overcome prejudice against women and blacks in employment, I feel it is probably only just beginning to overcome prejudice against people born without the "normal" heterosexual orientation.

What is being done today to help Adventist youth avoid the heartaches that my family and I have experienced? How is the Church embracing them and holding them in its care? Will they be rejected by the Church, driven away by demands of conformity that are impossible to fulfill? Please pray for the ability to see them as God sees them, without the old preconceived notions about the "causes of homosexuality" and the traditional Adventist response. Thank God for sending Jesus who courageously reached out to those who were different and misunderstood. Oh how I love Him!

* John Young is a pseudonym

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09 Sep 2009 11:56 AM